Nic Cage is ACTING right now.
OK, so it’s been a while. We’re watching Yeti right now. All you need to know is that the lead character in the movie is a college quarterback named Peyton Elway. Peyton Elway.
Also, I’m pretty sure this was the pitch for Yeti:
Frank Moviemaker: Do you remember that movie Alive?
Dr. Henry Syfy: Yes, yes I do.
Frank Moviemaker: Great. I want to make that movie. But with a Yeti.
Dr. Henry Syfy: Hmmm. I can see it. What’s the angle though? Gimme a twist!
Frank Moviemaker: Oh, I’ve got you covered. At the end, it turns out there were two Yeti-
Dr. Henry Syfy: Wait, is Yeti the plural of Yeti? Yetis?
Frank Moviemaker: It can be either, I prefer the former. Anyway, there are two Yeti. The whole time everyone thought there was only one. Also, a guy breaks his leg and the only splint he has is his friend’s severed arm. Later, he gets shot in the face with a flare gun.
Dr. Henry Syfy: Sold!
So we’re back. Jake and I decided to hit up LMN On Demand tonight, and settled on “Falling for You”, a sexy thriller. Here’s why we’re watching it:
“After being thrown out of a window by a serial killer, a young woman suffers from amnesia, which prevents her from recognizing the killer when he comes for her again. (2010).”
First, we are shocked this was shot in 2010. It looks, sounds and feels like 1993. I mean, exactly like 1993.
9:09: A woman gets thrown out of window of a high-rise. How can that be how the serial killer kills? Shouldn’t people hear the screaming woman, see her splat, and then go look for the guy? It’s not like the murderer is burying her in a shallow grave somewhere, concealing evidence and throwing off time of death. She landed on Third Avenue.
9:10: Holy shit Billy Dee Williams just said she’s the fourth woman thrown out of a window in the past week or something. Things of note: Billy Dee Williams is starring in this movie. Fourth this week.
9:12: It’s that girl from 90210! The cute blonde one. She’s wearing suspenders. This couldn’t have been shot in 2010.
9:13: 1995 confirmed as the actual date this film came out. Thanks, IMDB. LMN: get your shit together.
9:15: Every cop cliche ever just happened. Literally every single one. It only took 80 seconds or so. The old cop (BDW) hates his young partner, and the chief just yelled at them, telling them they better work together or they’re both finished. Police unions are so weak in movies.
9:16: The newscaster says he’s only thrown blonde women out of windows. 90210 is blonde!!!!
9:17: Some guy just showed up. Probably the serial window thrower. Paul. This guy is rocking Jake’s look pretty hard: blazer over t-shirt. He’s definitely pulling it off.
9:18: She’s going into a hotel room with him!!!! COME ON. They’re going to like the 17th floor.
9:20: I got tricked. Paul is a smoothy. Lured her up via the old “fake a room service order to someone’s room then go up and steal it.” Classic. I don’t know if women would necessarily respond well to that move, though.
9:22: I can’t believe this movie is real. The scene was madness. 90210 was up on a ledge of 30 some odd story building and said “I’ve been living on the edge for so long I’ve sorta become friends with it.” This is gorgeous.
9:26: We’re at one of those women’s defense courses that were so popular in the 90’s. 90210 is beating the shit out of her fake attacker. I sense that there’s some deep-seated reason she just beat the shit out of this volunteer. Something that we’ll find out in 40-50 minutes, maybe? Crossing my fingers.
9:27: Jake: “This movie couldn’t have any more foreshadowing. She’s either hanging out of windows or getting attacked by men.”
9:30: Paul the presumed murderer, is wearing the exact same clothes as last night. Now they’re going to a place called “Vampire Sex Bar.” Reminds me of 2X4.
9:31: “A witness died because I missed a beat.” That’s what BDW just said. He’s at Vampire Sex Bar. None of this makes sense still.
9:36: The continuity issues are really piling up. BDW softly kissed/faced rubbed some smokeshow divorcee at Vampire Sex Bar. It looks like they’d never met before, but he had 15 minutes to kill, so he decided to do some freelance seduction. Like he had a fucking choice.
9:37: BDW and his partner just got suckered into chasing the wrong guy all night. Now, 90210 brought Paul back to her apt. Presumably to do it. Paul is, you guessed it, checking out the windows.
9:44: They’ve done it. Paul then went around post-coitus to collect all of the knives in her apt. 90210 then wakes up, Paul is gone. Wait! Not gone! Sitting on the floor of the bathroom. Seems like he’s conflicted and doesn’t want to kill her.
9:47: Despite not wanting to kill her, Paul sure seems determined to do exactly that. The phone is dead and the knives are missing, while Paul stalks around chasing 90210. I don’t know why’s she’s not screaming. What the shit. Yell. You live in a huge apartment building.
9:49: And she’s out the window! The audience (Jake and I) cheers wildly. But she landed on a ledge. Finger twitch going into the commercial!
9:52: Boom, amnesia. She’s been dating Paul for two weeks. What kind of amnesia does she have, you ask? Why, of course it’s Three Week Amnesia. Touchdown.
9:56: BDW is going super aggressive with his interviewing tactics, but 90210 is pushing back really hard. Strange on both sides. I don’t think a cop would start yelling at a woman with amnesia who was thrown out a window, and I don’t think a woman with amnesia who was thrown out a window would be such a dick to the cop trying to find the guy who threw her ass out the window.
9: 58: Now 90210’s giving an interview to the local news, and she says she doesn’t remember the guy who attacked her, she just knows she loved him. I want to cry.
10:02: I’ve been cliche raped. Fucking relentlessly cliche raped. That’s what this movie is doing to my butt right now.
10:03: So the cops have someone tailing her. I think this is completely reasonable, and she should thank them for that. They’re trying to save her life, and the lives of other potentially window-thrown ladies. Now she’s trying to lose the cop on her jog, though. Serious problem with authority here.
10:06: Amazingly, she loses the cop and gets in the elevator with Paul. Now he’s about to bang her again because he’s laying serious game on her in the elevator.
10:07: 90210: “I feel like we’ve met before.” GODDAMMIT, someone just threw you out of a window, and you have AMNESIA and he’s the ONLY PERSON you forgot. Cunts.
10:10: 90210 & her friends are joking about how she lost her memory. It’s like everyone forgot she got thrown out the window. Well, one of them did, but the rest should be on alert about this shit.
10:11: You know who’s still on alert? BDW who’s looking at microfilm! My cliche BINGO card is now full of cliches.
10:12: And we found out why 90210 hates cops! Her mom got raped by a cop when she was 9, and she saw it. We’ve now hit our LMN quota for “Rapes by Authority Figures.” Gotta hit you numbers. They’ve gotten audited before.
10:14: BDW has literally been glowing for a solid 70% of the movie. The lighting has been spot on.
10:20: So Greg, 90210’s old boyfriend, meets with Paul. He met him earlier in the movie, but he doesn’t remember Paul. He does, but then thinks it’s deja-vu. Or, he’s the guy who tried to murder your ex-gf. Twats.
10:22: Oh boy, BDW just found Greg hanging in his apartment, surrounded by evidence that points to him being the murderer. Good job, Greg. Maybe should have tried a bit harder to remember that guy you met like 10 minutes ago. Idiot.
10:24: 90210 remembers everything now! And she doesn’t call the cops! She goes to Paul’s apt. instead. The fuck. Now she’s asking him on a date. Vigilante justice coming up?
10:27: Paul’s back at her apartment with 90210. And she is gonna do it all over him, but first she’s tying him to the bed post, in a sexy way. Paul got a little antsy about that (for good reason), ran away and got up on the roof.
10:30: BDW knows that shit is going down tonight. He knows Paul’s in the building with 90210. They just got a tip at HQ, and he’s driving to 90210’s apt.
10:31: So Paul is back in his apartment, and 90210 is there waiting for him. And she’s got her gun. BDW pulls up while Paul is at gunpoint! And Paul is laying the “you love me” shit all over 90210, lulling her into this strange place where she both loves him and wants to kill him. I think this happens in 80% of Lifetime Originals.
10:32: Predictably, he gets the gun from her and points it at her. BDW busts in, and instead of getting in a shootout, Paul jumps out the window. You live by the window, you die by the window.
BDW goes outside to look at the body, but it’s not there. Nobody watched the guy fall out the window, presumably. Or checked to see if he was on that ledge that 90210 landed on.
10:34: 90210 is asleep on the couch already. That seems physically impossible. Her adrenaline should be pumping, BDW will be coming back up in a second and there’s broken glass everywhere that she could be cleaning up. Of course Paul climbs up through the window, they fight and she throws him out the window again. This time, Paul’s dead. She fucking tossed his ass.
10:37: Last shot of the movie: BDW and 90210 on the roof, laughing and reminiscing about shit. I don’t really know what happened here, but it was stunning. I feel alive.
9:01 Opening credits included the phrase: Peter Jasons as Pappy… a promising start.
9:03: “First lesson I learned when I was in training - when they say it’s a routine mission, take extra ammo.”
Eat a dick, “Call me Ishmael.”
9:06: The chick from Weird Science is in this. Her scientist buddy just got eaten by a space raptor directly in front of her - she handled it pretty well all things considered. I don’t know if this is her real accent or if it’s something she came up with for this role specifically, but it’s a solid effort either way.
9:10: They’re on the planet to “search for signs of alien life.” You’d think the houses and barrels and streets would be signs of alien life.
That and the hungry, hungry raptors.
9:21: The girl from Weird Science just told two soldiers that they “sound[ed] like kissing cousins in a Alabama gun show” Is that a really dumb line or a really profound one? Cause I have no idea what it means.
9:25: They’ve stumbled upon some serious alien/raptor technology in a gothic church. They still haven’t explained why they’re on Planet Raptor, or what the ultimate mission is. My guess is it’s to see how many of the minority team members can get eaten by raptors.
9:33: And we’re back from commercial! Three of the worst CGI’d raptors I’ve seen are trying to eat the team. One of the team members was bit by a CGIRaptor in the leg, and he promptly died. Blood poured out of his mouth, so that’s how we know he died. I’m no doctor, but I don’t think that’s how the human circulatory system works.
9:44: The movie’s a bit slow and jumping around a bit. Much more so than your average Sci-Fi Orig. So Jake and I just discussed whether or not I’d be angry with him if he created a fake e-Harmony account in my name, then had me legally marry some chick he met for me through e-Harmony by stealing my Social Security number and getting us married over the Internet. Then, when she shows up, it turns out she’s not actually in love with me, but I fall in love with her.
I decided that yes, I’d be pissed off if this happened. But I think we could pitch it to Sci-Fi - just make the e-Harmony chick a velociraptor. Let’s call it e-Raptory.
9:55: One of the team members was getting eaten by something way bigger than a raptor, but he got away when the non-Weird Science chick with the horrible accent threw a grenade she made out of batteries and LED lights at the dinosaur. Other things that have happened:
- Science guy made a raptor anti-venom.
- There’s a “radiation storm” going on.
- Pappy raped the chick from Weird Science.*
*Didn’t actually happen, but you can tell Pappy’s all about her.
10:14: Somehow Weird Science Chick learned how to speak termite, as this giant bug snuck in to the gothic church and told them how to kill all of the raptors with their energy guns. Nothing makes sense.
10:35: These dinosaurs look outlandish. Also, these is a lot of betrayal going on amongst the solders and I’m having a lot of trouble following the Machiavellian politics. I think one of them is actually working for the raptors now or something. Movies this stupid shouldn’t be so hard to follow.
10:48: Lava. So non-Weird Science chick and the leader fell in to this underground cavern, which is where all the raptors live. The chick discerned that this was their nest, and the old rulers of this world (the giant termites) thought they could control them by building on top of their nest. Or something.
Next scene, they’re running through the cave, and start throwing C4 in every direction. The leader guy pushes a red button, the C4 explodes, and that somehow makes a fucking volcano erupt. Instantaneously. Fucking lava everywhere, raptors drowning in it.
Nothing makes sense. And Pappy just blew himself up to take out a raptor. His dying line: “I like my dinosaur well done.” Godspeed, Pappy.
10:53: This movie is like a dream. Things just keep happening, and I don’t understand how or why. Nobody seems to have any sort of motive to be doing what they are doing, new characters appear and disappear out of thin air, and the laws of physics don’t apply. In fact, I’ve been watching this movie for almost two hours and I still am not really sure what its about.
11:00: The movie ends with the remaining four members of the crew getting beamed up to the ship as the final horde of raptors close in. Lead Guy punches Evil Ship Commander in the face, and the credits roll.
This was the worst Sci-Fi Original I’ve seen to date. Thank God Raptor Island is on now. And they’ve got a real leading man starring in this bad boy - Lorenzo Lamas.
